to be perceived

lordess of the obvious

2011-05-20T00:27:00.000-07:00

These days I sometimes find myself going, "Whoa, people on TDF have daemons!"

At a glance this is a very strange thing to be surprised by. It's The Daemon Forum. Of course there are going to be daemons oozing out of metaphorical pores.

Nonetheless, gone are the days when I could - and, embarrassingly, did - write a list of most members, their daemon's names, and their associated forms. There are several reasons for this. One, there are now well over a hundred members and my memory has its limits. Two, I don't frequent the forum nearly as much as I used to, so I can barely remember the names of members in general, let alone all the other details. Three, daemonism has become such a second-nature thing for me that I don't spend time observing other people's workings with so curiously keen an eye. And four, human-daemon anecdotes aren't as big a part of the community as they used to be. It just ain't talked about as much.

It's a touch regretful, in a way; silly as it could sometimes be, the level engagement and sharing that existed in TDF's days of yore made daemonism a particularly vivid experience. I heard and knew about the daemons themselves - not just what form they were taking or what witty quip they had imparted that morning, but whether they were more inclined towards comfort or blunt snark, shied away from touch or embraced the defiance of physics, always sided with honest reason or always sided with the person.

That said, things change, and while it might be for the worse in some areas, it's certainly been for better in others. Startling myself with the realisation that oh yeah, people still have these depths of relationships is not so dastardly a thing when it means those relationships are indeed still there.

(I also occasionally go, "Oh man, my daemon's name is Killy." Kilmaeyon is genuinely kind of nice. Killy was whipped up on a hurried whim and sounds like something you'd name a fluffy puppy with a knife in its teeth. 'Course, can either of us be arsed changing it? Nnnnope.)

buzz of static

2010-12-08T01:57:00.000-08:00

It's a little funny. I am constantly under the impression that Killy and I don't talk very often any more - and, in a way, I'm not wrong. Those deep, serious conversations we used to have crop up very rarely these days, and there's no real need to talk about forms, or visualisation, or clarity of speech, or any of those little inner relationship features we used to muse on as two.

At the same time, however, we almost speak more frequently because of it; it just happens so quietly and easily that it doesn't quite register in my uppermost consciousness. I don't bother to deliberately have A Conversation with my daemon - but if I pause and think about it, I can pick out dozens of short exchanges scattered throughout a single day.

"Absolutely perfect, if I do say so myself."
"And you do, don't you."
"Oh, I so do."

Nothing profound. Nothing that will assist me in a deep and meaningful way as I wander my worldly trails. (Something that was in fact referencing toast.) Just evidence that the flow of mental dialogue has become thoroughly, and possibly permanently, ingrained.

doppelgangers

2010-10-03T17:02:00.000-07:00

Corporeality has never been of huge concern to either my daemon or myself - I could dig up a forum post made several years back in which Killy presented a rare speech that effectively said he was incorporeal because he was meant to be incorporeal, so lusting after some sort of physical presence would not just be lusting after corporeality, but a whole different system of operating. That's not to say I've never considered what it would be like, given that such musings can be a lot of fun. I've just never felt a great deal of grief over the way things are.

However, I recently realised that when wistfulness does rear its head, it's usually in consideration of how it would affect the way people perceive me. This seems a bit odd as, although I'm not the most secretive person I know, I do tend to be a bit touchy about who knows what, and perhaps I wouldn't be as prone to these grumblings if my settled form was that of a teeny tiny ladybug.

As it is, my settled form is a predator of reasonable size, and it's easy to imagine the ways that could come in handy. Many a night of wandering down dark paths after a late lecture at university has seemed like it would be less nerve-wracking if there was a solid presence at my side with a mouthful of teeth. Confronting a misbehaving child seems like it would be simpler if my daemon were able to calmly sit on theirs. Flattened ears and a low growl would be a better indicator of genuine anger than my own flustered prattlings.

Of course there are flaws to these notions as well, and they never will be anything more than idle thoughts. Some might even wish to ask that if my inner self is so inherently threatening, how come I can't express that myself? To that I ruefully point out that mouthful of teeth or not, coyotes are nervous little scrappers. The only reason my offsider would enhance my supposed intimidation factor at all is that it would be 'operated' by the part of me that is composed, confident, and not inclined to take crap - namely, Killy.

a rose by any other name would be a tulip

2010-08-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to realise this, but it occurred to me recently that my primary pseudonym - Winger - and my daemon's name - Kilmaeyon - came about in a similar way. Both were adapted from/inspired by a fictional source, both were originally intended to be applied to characters of my own creation, and both were later snatched up when I suddenly found myself in need of a name for the new little voice in my mind and a less stalkable identity.

If I ever doubted the opportunistic scavenger aspect...

it might have been parasitic

2010-07-31T20:47:00.001-07:00

Me: Argh, the bread has mould! And I already ate a slice of it!
Killy: I'm sure the folk who would consider themselves fortunate to have an entire loaf of slightly mouldy bread at their disposal really feel for you right now.
Me: Did you really just whip out the 'there are starving kids in Africa' line?
Killy: *straightface*
Me: ...fine, alright, you have a point.
Killy: :)
Me: I'm still not eating the bread.
Killy: *STRAIGHTFACE*

So I guess, deep down, I am a very socially conscious person. It's just a shame all my shallow top-levels keep getting in the way.

The Confetti is Soggy Now

2010-07-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

Oh, right - five years of daemonism as of last Wednesday.

I'm good at anniversaries.

Just Like Magic

2010-04-28T02:27:00.000-07:00

Back when Jim first arrived, the abruptness of the whole affair left us both somewhat rattled. For some reason, I reacted to this by doing a lot of nervous chattering, which probably didn't help the situation all that much, but...well, neither of us were winning points for supreme eloquence. At one point, this exchange occurred:

Me: So I guess I'm sort of attracted to- uh, I mean, not physically attracted 'cause, no offense, but you're kinda old-
Jim: [indignant] I'm thirty-five!

At the time I took him at his word but never paid all that much attention to the information because I certainly didn't know what age the character was in canon. That was that until recently, when I remembered this talk and became curious enough to actually look the dates up. Imagine my surprise when I found out that the actor who plays Jim in the show he is sourced from - in effect, the man who is the exact physical double of him - would have indeed been thirty-five when we had that exchange.

It's almost as cool as the Charleston thing.

Beginner's Luck

2010-04-22T03:49:00.000-07:00

It's a little strange. I don't think anyone thinks of me as anything but coyote (and if they do, they've been very unvocal about it despite my urgings). I don't really think of myself as anything but coyote. It's been nearly five years, a vast majority approves, and both Killy and I are very comfortable with the form.

That's not the strange bit. The strange bit is that I hold off taking on the title of settled because I don't think I'm old enough/have had a wide enough variety of life experiences, but should I one day decide that yes, alright, coyote is irrevocably It...I will technically be right back where I was when I so cockily declared myself a settled coyote at fifteen.

Is that a blow to the older-settling-age theory? Was it just luck? Am I an exception to the standard rule? Is there simply too much variation to determine anything more than a rough period in which settling is more likely to happen? I still hold that we lack sufficient stable data to draw solid conclusions, but I can't help but wonder these things from time to time.

A Special Kind of Fail

2010-04-06T19:13:00.001-07:00

I have been intending to write an in-depth coyote analysis for so long now that it is genuinely ridiculous. I have books! Several of them! I have internet sites! I have almost five blasted years of experience!

I have nothing written.

It's rather amazing coyotes aren't extinct, if they're this adept at procrastinating. "I'm feeling a bit hungry, but...nah, I'll catch something later."

Dust in the Guest Rooms

2010-04-02T18:35:00.001-07:00

It occurs to me I haven't actually said anything about the State Of Upstairs for a while, though in my defense there aren't many who are likely to care.

Killy is still a coyote. I still dance around the word 'settled' as though it is wearing a slinky black dress and has a rose clenched in its teeth. For a while, during an overseas trip, he adjusted his colouration to an interesting mix of his usual yellow and a lightish grey; it was somewhat reminiscent of this. It did not last longer than the few weeks, however, and he has since resumed his usual fur colour.

There are no tenants at all on hand, and it has been this way for a few months now. Alex never returned from wherever he went. Maybe he will one day, but maybe he won't, and as fond as I was of him it is hard to feel too sad about the matter when I know he was never entirely content being 'stuck'. Likewise, Jim has quietly vanished from the apartment. I don't think it too likely he'll return, though as I did have much say in his appearance in the first place, I couldn't say any predictions would be accurate. As I can keep a sort of an eye on him via his ongoing canon, it's not as complete a parting as it could be anyway.

So it's rather 'empty' upstairs. I have to admit, I'm not particularly unhappy about this. While it was never a major inconvenience having people around, it wasn't a huge, positive influence on my daily life either. Maybe if I didn't have a habit of attracting adult men with other concerns...

Formulating

2010-03-21T15:48:00.000-07:00

I am quite fiercely, aggressively protective/possessive of certain people and things I own, yet I will freely poke at other's things and use them without waiting for permission. The inherent contradiction between being both territorial and a scavenger?

Shifting Gears

2010-03-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

Never let it be said that finding your settled form will grant you a sudden, complete, and infallible understanding of yourself, because that is a load of crap.

I have, for a long time now, considered settling to be a process rather than an event. I know there are people who would disagree with me; people who feel that they are able to pinpoint the exact moment that settling occurred, and that there should be some sort of instantaneous sensation within you that proves, without doubt, that you are settled. Personally, I don't buy it. Such a notion ties a little too strongly back to the fictional foundation of daemonism, and while I'm perfectly happy to acknowledge that foundation, I think its separation from the world we actually exist in means some things just don't translate across - like objective settled forms that our daemons just know to one day take when we're ready.

So the introspective part of this process comes less from gaining an understanding of yourself via the settled form, and more from understanding yourself enough to find that settled form. In a ‘chicken and the egg’ comparison, I would say personality stability comes before settled form. As outlined in my old Concentric Rings Theory, it does not have to be a rock-solid stability, and there will be room for growth and change after settledom, just presumably still within the bounds of the form.

Of course, there is also the unfortunate fact that 100% certainty about any of these things is frankly impossible. We are discussing an abstract concept pieced together via discussion and experimentation, with vague ties to the psychological. The community itself is only roughly five or six years old, so there is no proven doctrine – merely a constant interchange of systems believed to work best until a better is found. There is also a notable lack of daemians who have participated in the philosophy for a great many years, leaving an enormous gap in the chart of empirical evidence when it comes to what may happen in later adulthood.

As for perfect self-knowledge? I have spent close to five years resting fairly solidly in a personality range that is apparently best described by coyote. I have read most website information available on the animal, and painstakingly collated a series of coyote-centric books (mostly with the help of much-beloved American contacts). I have lived with myself for a fairly impressive while now.

And I still have those teeth-grinding, hair-tearing, fist-pounding moments of who the hell am I and why don't I make sense.

So if you can relate to that, no worries. I think it's just a fact of fluid, progressive life.

As You Would Love Thyself

2010-01-23T03:15:00.000-08:00

There are a considerable number of benefits to be had from knowing your daemon - indeed, why else would so many of us stay with it for so long? - and they vary from one person to another. Speaking personally, I find that exploring the settled form constantly allows for expanding self-awareness, forming problems as a dialogue is both calming and therefore provides greater clarity, and even the illusion of not being entirely alone can instill more confidence than would otherwise be had.

The greatest positive, however, is something that can still take me by surprise. In a way, it is a combination of the three things mentioned above; self-awareness, clarity, and confidence. What Killy says, and how Killy acts, has always been an utterly truthful reflection of how I feel - even if I don't realise it at the time.

Over four years experience and the use of hindsight shows a consistency in this that can feel genuinely startling at times. There is honestly no room for error. Things that I have done in the past and, years later, come to finally realise and admit were foolish are always, always paired with Killy's brand of anger and disappointment. Likewise, a contented coyote inevitably means approval for whatever action I have taken. I cannot force him one way or another, because if I am too wary of an answer that I don't want to hear, he does not speak at all, and that silence can say plenty about my conflicted stance on its own.

Of course, Killy is technically only correct in a very subjective sense. He is only ever a flawless representation of my feelings on any matter. This does not make it any less useful, however. What would otherwise be a muddled circling of uncertain and frustrated monologue can be cut down to a matter of seconds simply by turning to my daemon and requesting his opinion. Is it because by shifting the blame for the harshest observations onto a different subject I can face it down better, or is the daemon in fact a sharp-tongued mouthpiece for the subconscious? I don't really know enough psychology to say either way. I have nevertheless found it of incomparable help several times in the years I have known him.

Sidenote: I only have to travel halfway around the world for my daemon to be gentle with me.

Social Links

2009-07-10T05:03:00.001-07:00

Although I have a number of personal traits that seem to be shared by other soulbonders, I've never really had a great many headfriends of the 'self-aware' sort, as I term it, and those that I have had I've never been enormously close with. Recently I found myself wondering if part that wasn't perhaps the fact I tend to 'bond' most closely with characters who are known for being intensely - even obsessively - loyal.

How does this influence the state of my mind? Well, I bond with them, not the people they are in turn dedicated to. If they end up in here, as has happened twice, their people do not come with them, and for most that's an intensely irritating position to be in! Alex grew increasingly frustrated at the lack of his sister, and though Jim's circumstances are somewhat different, he does still miss his family. A number of other characters I feel connections with would likewise be anywhere between annoyed and distressed should they find themselves separated, and...it's not a connection I therefore want to encourage, really, knowing that.

I know other systems have ways to circumvent this. The soulbonds find ways to travel 'back', or find ways to bring their loved ones with them. As of yet, none of us have managed any of this, and I can't do much more than shrug and say perhaps that is not the way my mind works. It would not bother me overmuch, and I would in fact not be miserable if I severed myself off from having self-aware bonds because of it. Unfortunately, my mind does not seem to work that way either.

(And no, I am not attempting to update a little more frequently because I recently found out there is at least one person reading this. You may stop laughing, single reader.)

Happy "Let's Be a Little Loony" Day

2009-07-07T01:27:00.000-07:00

It's been four years since I decided this whole daemonism thing might be worth a spin. I feel highly accomplished.

I may or may not have forgotten this until the day was nearly over.

Packed Bags By the Doorway

2009-06-14T06:10:00.001-07:00

In many ways, I feel I have outgrown the daemonism community. No, that's not quite right - those words sound far too condescending. It is not a matter of growth in terms of age or maturity, not really. It is...growth in terms of my personal standing with my daemon. I feel we've reached a point in our relationship where we might not have all the answers, but we are content with the ones we do have, and are confident in our ability to puzzle out others on our own. It is approaching the mark of our fourth year, and while I'm sure there are still things to learn, I no longer feel dependant upon assistance from the community in order to learn them. I am less interested in the discussions that take place there. Most of them I've already heard before.

However, I doubt I'll up and abandon the internet community just yet. I still have duties there, and I'm still fond of a number of people; I still feel the need to help keep TDF a safe place. And just because I feel content in where we stand doesn't mean I can't still be of use to the constant flow of newer daemians.

But maybe one day sooner than we'd ever thought, it will be time to pack our bags. I guess only time will tell.

Insubordination

2009-06-02T19:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday
"...rat seems to be the form of choice lately..."

Today
Killy: *Leaps onto shoulder*
Me: Huh, that tail you're sporting is pretty poss...possum-y...
Killy: :)
Me: You just like being difficult, don't you.
Killy: :D

I gave him a face-noogie with incorporeal knuckles for that.

Status

2009-06-01T23:35:00.001-07:00

I'm a terribly infrequent blogger, aren't I? On the upside, after a month or two I tend to have something interesting to report on, and if I don't then there's almost certainly something else I can ramble about.

The group's status has shifted somewhat in the last while. Killy and I are still ever-present, as you'd expect; we don't talk as much as we used to when younger, and rat seems to be the form of choice lately, but we're otherwise the same. I still feel like coyote is what best represents me, and I'm still holding off on declaring myself settled. He still thinks I make stupid choices too frequently for my own good.

Alex is still absent. It's been...hmm. A few months at least, so his longest stint yet. I don't think I can call it a permanent absence, as it still feels like there's a place for him here, but he's certainly Gone for now. I hope whatever he's doing, be it an activity or a restful hibernation, is working out for him. Perhaps he's found a way back to his sister. I know that would make him happy.

However, as of yesterday the relative quiet (because he was so noisy) has been broken by the highly spontaneous arrival of someone I honestly would never have expected. Unlike with Alex, there was no gradual fading in, nor even a recent immersing in his source - Jim was just there. Understandably we were both rather startled, and several hours was dedicated towards, erm, a great deal of flailing and attempted sorting out of things. (One day, one day I will greet an headstranger and not sound like a psychotic babbling child.) Eventually I managed to call up one of Alex's old haunts - a sizeable apartment/house with more than enough room for a single person - and Jim's settled in there.

The means of his arrival are not the only unusual point; Jim is what the soulbonding community tends to term an 'outsource', in that he came from a 'fictional source' outside my own creation. Discussions regarding reality can get very complicated when it comes to soulbonding, so I hope you'll excuse me if I skip lightly over that. Like Alex, he has strong ties to his world and to certain people within it, but unlike Alex his position there is one where he's unable to do anything in any case. I believe it is this more than anything that is making him consider staying here, at least until things change enough for it to be worth going back. The decisions haven't been finalised, however, so nothing is very certain right now.

So things have been just a touch chaotic! Hopefully we'll manage to find some sort of a rhythm sooner rather than later. Should Alex return while Jim is there, things will be interesting; I've never before had two self-aware headmates at any one time within the same space. They're both adults, though, so I have faith they'd work something out.

Shredded Files

2009-04-04T02:01:00.000-07:00

I've long resigned myself to the fact that TDF-2 has been all but swallowed by the internet and its content largely lost forever, but I cannot help but be pained by it sometimes. It held, after all, roughly my first year of daemonism? Perhaps longer. It held all the little moments, all my mistakes and errors and growth. I joined the forum only a month or so after first discovering the concept, so while at least the community was spared my initial embarrassing flick between 'settled' forms, it snapshotted most other events.

It would be nice to have a solid record of how the times have changed. There is TDF-1, yes, and TDF-3/4 span across a substantial distance, but it's not quite the same as being able to map my own changes. If nothing else, reminders of my own follies might reinforce the need to be patient with those new to daemonism nowadays!

Mammalian Scalian

2009-03-30T02:18:00.000-07:00

Hmm. Haven't posted to here for a while. Honestly, there's been very little worth noting; while a few things have happened here and there, occurances on the inside can be so fluid I'm rather wary of making any definitive statements lest the situation change two days later. I can say for certain that Alex has been quiet for a long time now. A permanent change? I'm not sure.

Killy's also mostly abandoned kingfisher, but hasn't returned to favouring coyote. Instead he has picked up Cameroon scaly-tail, a fuzzy-tailed rodent with scales at the base of its tail. I will say that these smaller forms are a relief when it comes to crowds, given that I'm no longer imagining a largish canine squeezing itself through impossible gaps.

Linguistical

2009-01-19T15:38:00.001-08:00

Lately I've been having a number of gripes with terminology across both the daemonism and soulbonding spheres, and it's beginning to get rather frustrating. It is difficult to talk about concepts so founded in abstract if you aren't certain of the words, or the meaning they'll have to people.

Daemonism isn't so much of a problem for the most part. There is an accepted set of terms shared by the community, which is helped along by the fact that there is really only one main community. Some words are used far less than others, but the core terms remain a constant. Unfortunately, I have come to quibble with the specific definition of one of the most fundamental terms - 'settled'. At some point I once decided that there were two parts that made up settledness: a personality stable enough that it is likely to be much the same decades from now, and an animal form that accurately represents that personality. I have the latter...but am reluctant to claim the former. But at the same time, if I can apply a form, a form that has fit me for some time now and seems to only continue doing so, am I being overcautious? I am not settled form unknown, I do not wish to call myself settled, and yet I am not unsettled. It's come to the point where I've essentially dropped the term entirely when it comes to talking about myself, which can be difficult in certain conversations.

In contrast, soulbonding - and I use even that word uncertainly - provides a great deal more strife as it is a veritable minefield of words and phrases that are completely inconsistent. Unlike daemonism, there is no central community, and thus no set terminology. The word 'soulbonding' means different things depending on which group or, hell, which individual you talk to. The same goes for 'headmate', 'flickerbond', 'muse', and a dozen other terms. 'Fronting' has been referred to as 'channelling' and at least once 'roleplaying'. A 'headspace' could just as easily be a 'headscape' or a 'soulscape'. And this is without attempting to delve into the myriad of personal terms people develop, possibly as a result of others to turn to.

I (mostly) know what happens within my mind, but it becomes increasingly harder to know how to explain it to others. Naturally, I could work out my own set of terms - and, in some ways, have already begun to out of sheer necessity, considering how often I reference 'flickers' - but I can't help but think this only compounds the problem.

Unfortunately, it's not as though I can rally the soulbonding communities and demand set terms. There are too many different beliefs and experiences squashed under that one umbrella.

'Tis the Season

2008-11-26T00:40:00.000-08:00

No, no I could not think of a more original title.

There are two main areas within my headspace that I access. One is set in the middle of a forest, surrounded by greenery and a small stream. This is the area in which the postbox is located, situated neatly as it is in what we generally refer to as Little Tree. The second area is a strip of beach, hemmed in by cliffs with a lighthouse visible in the distance.

As December approaches, I took a customary wander around the areas to see if anything was new. The postbox was empty - but as I backed away from it I could not help but do a double-take. "Was...was Little Tree always shaped like a Christmas tree?" Killy shrugged. "'Tis the season."

As if this weren't surreal enough, a visit to the beach reduced me to a disbelieving stare. Perched cheerfully atop the lighthouse was very distinctly an enormous, bright red Santa hat.

"Oh now that's just not possible!"
"It is your mind."
"But-"
"I dunno, I kind of like it."

King of the River

2008-11-21T00:59:00.000-08:00

Killy has taken the common kingfisher as his primary form for the past three days now. Neither of us seem particularly certain as to why beyond his own thoughtful comment that he "liked the headfluff crest thing". It's interesting having a form capable of fitting in a majority of places, I will say that; on my desk, perching on the seat rest in front of me while on the bus, tucked against my shoulder in a crowd...I was able to visualise him consistently while at work for what may well be the first time ever, for he was able to perch within my line of 'sight'.

One Day Nearer to Dying

2008-10-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

The headspace gave me a pillow for my birthday. Not a fancy pillow, merely a plain white one. I've stopped trying to make sense of anything it does, ever.

Fake Moustaches and Glasses

2008-10-18T17:23:00.000-07:00

Within the daemian community, Indy suggested an activity wherein each day we organise to swap forms with another member. It's nice to note it has been a resounding success; even daemons who are normally reluctant and uncomfortable with changing forms, like my Killy, seem to be getting into the swing of things, as evidenced by the mongoose sitting on my desk.

For amusement's sake, I present you with my week's schedule. (Thursday is absent as I'd like to be myself on my birthday.)

Sat: Dingo
Sun: Slender mongoose
Mon: Axolotl
Tues: Blue Jay
Wed: Raccoon
Fri: Ibizian hound

Sign Here Please

2008-10-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

I received another letter recently - well, package more than letter. I was surprised, because although Alex has gone on another of his little sojourns into the deeper recesses of my mind, I did not think this was from him. Who it was from remains uncertain, as inside the plain white box was an impossible amount of bubble-wrap, and a single folded piece of blue cardboard, about an inch and a half square, with the word "Hi" handwritten on the inside. Killy and I spent a while wondering if it meant something significant before hesitantly deciding not everything had to have a purpose, and that sometimes my brain is just weird.

That decision became a lot more concrete when the postbox started offloading an alarming amount of fruit, forcing me to duck a wayward orange.

Moral of the story: do not install a postbox in your mind. It is far more trouble than it's worth.

Surf and Sand

2008-10-05T04:05:00.000-07:00

If I were to ever doubt my love of the beach, I would only have to look to Kilmaeyon for proof otherwise. My coyote, my sardonic, brusque, occasionally caustic daemon...goes completely goofy. The moment we hit the sand he is alert, ears pricked forward and a loping bounce to his step. A section is claimed, towel placed down with keys carefully wrapped inside, and then we turn to the surf. He bounds amongst the shallow waves, snapping at the froth and shaking free of the rolling breakers, pushing forward until it is so deep he is forced to paddle, fur fanning from his body in a golden fringe.

It is then he changes. The restrictions we so frequently battle against are eased by the simple fact coyotes are not built for the sea, and soon enough there is a pale-furred sea otter floating alongside me, cresting low waves on his back only to bolt under the surface and dart about me as something bigger comes crashing down. He laughs, a solid sound compared to his quiet chuckles, chasing imaginary fish.

This last holiday I was fortunate to have the opportunity to spend several hours riding a family friend's jet ski; it is a canine's delightful dream, streaking across the surface of light-speckled water with the wind drying the spray from your face almost before it has landed. Killy accepted the challenge with no hesitation, a grey splash of dolphin easily keeping up, flicking his tail to arch through the air in glee, circling about us in impatient acrobatics should we be forced to slow. If we fell he would roll in encouragement, perhaps offer his own incentive by stretching his form into that of the shark, grinning a sinister approval as I scramble to climb aboard again. And when tired of this racing, desiring closeness, a damp scrap of harvest mouse clings to my shoulder just below my ear, thin tail streaming out behind.

It was also a holiday that followed a period where I have communicated with Alex more frequently than ever before, and so for the first time I was able to hear his opinion on the happenings, however brief. For all that he was born on the coast, he has no recollection of spending any time at beaches, and so seemed to regard the sea and its tumbling surf with apprehensive awe. He was not, unfortunately, remotely interested in sharing many related experiences, and indeed countered my request to "see what jet skiing's like!" with an alarmed "Why?"

General Business

2008-09-29T06:02:00.000-07:00

Alex and I have been spending time alternately discussing his sister in order to try and strike up a connection with her, and seeing if we can't craft a bit of the headspace into a suitable living area for he and possibly/hopefully she. He quite likes my memory of my grandparents' old place, but that comes complete with all the exact furniture and whatnot, which I tend to find a little eerie. I can't help but be somewhat worried that if he did take up residence there, the new memories would get mixed up with the old ones. But there's no real hurry at the moment, so we'll continue looking.

Night On the Town

2008-09-24T04:29:00.000-07:00

On Monday (now why would I post these things as they actually happen?) I spent most of the day finishing an assignment and handing it in. After that I decided that was it for my bloody work-related effort for the day and skipped my tute for a trip to the city.

The daemon would like to take this moment to interject and point out that the author is a very bad person and her work ethic should not be emulated under any circumstances.

Alex turned out to be in a rather tolerant mood, and so after purchasing dinner I decided to take the opportunity to drag him around a bit of my city while he indulgently listened to my excited ramblings ("You've finally had the chance to travel, you might as well enjoy it!") and Killy pulled that lazy grin of his. Most of the movies ran too late given that I wanted to be home by eight at the latest, so we simply wandered while I conducted the scattiest tour known to man.

It turned out they had temporarily erected an absolutely enormous ferris wheel next to the river, and I figured that was entertainment enough, and forked over fifteen dollars for a ride (it was a very fancy ferris wheel; AC and all). There was an amusing moment in the line when the lady was collecting my ticket and asked if it was just me, for I very nearly replied, "What? No, I'm with him," before recalling that him didn't exactly count to the majority of the corporeal world. So, frankly, it was quite a deal, with fifteen dollars for two adults and a coyote - bargain.

And then I bought icecream with cookie dough because one should never pass up icecream with cookie dough.

All in all, a much more preferable night to slumping in uncomfortable chairs and pretending to care about my classmates poetry, don't you agree?

(Remember - very bad person.)

Homecoming Queen

2008-09-17T23:15:00.000-07:00

Alex returned yesterday. Seems well. Also seems ready to start trying a few techniques suggested. Wish us luck.

Package for Riverside

2008-09-15T23:55:00.000-07:00

I sent Alex a letter: "Where are you?"

He sent one back yesterday: "I'm fine."

Oh yeah, we've got this communication thing down good.

Operation: Family Reunion

2008-09-10T03:31:00.000-07:00

A month or two ago I had the unpleasant experience of noticing a substantial amount of frustration echoing from Alex's end. As if this weren't concerning enough, some of the frustration appeared to be directed at myself, and so naturally I was anxious to understand the cause of this unhappiness and what I could do in order to alleviate it. Alex was not initially cooperative - I think he may have had some doubts regarding my ability to help, largely centred around my age - but eventually we managed to find time and, a touch grudgingly, willingness to talk.

It turned out to be largely a positive thing. As far as our relationship goes, I (like to) think it assisted in at least providing some proof that I do care, and that I am capable of seriousness when it is called for. We did also manage to locate the source of the tension.

Unfortunately, it was here that we struck a problem. If the issue had been merely boredom, the potential solutions would have been vast - options abound both inside and outside the headspace. However, what Alex missed was the one thing I did not, and do not, feel certain I can provide: his sister. It is not only her absence that he is all too conscious of, but the fact that while he is here there is no chance to do anything towards finding and helping her, and for someone as dedicated as Alex it is a position that gradually grew to near-unbearable levels, thus sparking the frustration.

For the most part, I would be more than happy to have his sister here. There are a few small worries that come up, some more selfish than others, and also the very real problem that it may turn out to be an impossibility. I do not adopt headmates to the degree of Alex frequently or easily, and not every character I connect to makes it to a potential stage, let alone a fully-fledged one.

Nonetheless, I believe we aim to try. It's hard to deny him this when I'm more than aware of just how much she means to him, so as of yet our main problem revolves around how. Discussion with friends has lead to several potential starting points, and Alex himself has abruptly become absent - I can only hope he is doing some investigation of his own, for although he is within his rights to, I must admit I'd be sad if he chose to vacate for good.

As for myself, there are a few exercises I'm going to try, namely around the headspace and the character of the sister; in a sense, trying to make the former accepting of the latter. I have not interacted with my headspace a great deal, so this exercise is clumsy at best, but hopefully will get easier as I go on.

Operation: Family Reunion is go.

Temper, Temper

2008-09-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

Killy is a very calm daemon, at least when it comes to the outside world. I am a fairly emotional person and although I have a reputation for being adept at keeping control of my temper, the calmness I present is usually little more than a facade. I tend to release anger privately, sketching out great long novellas in my head involving everything I would like to say and do, plans drawn up for the day I might be able to let loose. And throughout my fuming, seething rage, Killy is perfectly calm. At this point in time I can think of exactly two experiences that made Killy noticably peevish; one was the unexpected and brusque physical action from a co-worker (he laid his ears back and bared his teeth), and the other was consistent advances from someone I wasn't fond of (I had to censor him for the first time in my life). But even then you would hardly label it more than irritation.

Indeed the only time he truly expresses anger is in regards to myself. I have been growled at, snapped at, and even shouted at. He has even made attempts to bite me, and although no harm can be done, the message is clear.

Some might interpret this as budding self-loathing. I, however, have a different view. Yes, Killy can frequently represent the part of me that is too hard on itself. But why should he be angry with outside issues when I can do it just fine on my own? He provides a counterbalance to my brief bursts of fury, and pushes me when I would let a private misdemeanour pass. Together, we manage to cover all the bases.

I suppose that's worth the incorporeal toothmarks.

Analysing

2008-08-30T23:22:00.000-07:00

With the concept of settling - the eventual discovery of the animal form that best represents your personality - being a fairly foundational part of daemonism, it's no real surprise that it is also a big part of the community. Analyses, reverse analyses, and other methods of assisting in finding the form are immensely popular. And for a good reason as well, as they make sound guides in what can sometimes be a rather stressful journey. (Not that I can really talk about stressful on account of being irritatingly lucky with my form-finding.) With so much of it being rather vague, any reassurance of being on the right track is welcome.

Yet I worry that the community slowly comes to rely on these methods of assistance too much and strays away from the true function of the settled form. The function of a daemon crosses into many different areas, but the function of a settled form is to allow a person to better understand themselves. It's introspection, plain and simple. It's not always going to be a sudden epiphany, or a situation where the daemon apparently known instinctively just what form to take.

So trawling through analyses to find one that fits, or asking people what they think about the suitability of every form the daemon frequents, or posting RA after RA...seems like it only makes everything more stressful. These methods start shifting from a helpful asset to a crutch, and the idea of exploring yourself in order to find the form starts creeping out the window. The process gets swapped, and while it might work for some, I'm sure it can't be good for others.

I imagine this makes me sound like a cranky old fogey grumbling about the rise of taxes. And it's not really as though it's some new phenomenan. I just like to fret.

With a Little Flourish

2008-08-19T01:30:00.000-07:00

Me: You're lucky, man. I was totally going to have you put your hands on your hips and huff about the lack of soup like an old woman.
Alex: ...I would never do that.
Me: Well they don't know that.

The restart of the roleplay Alex was originally created for always seems to bring us a little closer together, if only so he can make attempts on my life should I be straying wildly off character.

Definitive

2008-08-12T00:19:00.000-07:00

According to the old-fashioned, traditionalist definition of soulbonding, I apparently have soulbonds out the wahzoo. This...amuses me immensely. But honestly, for me to relate strongly to a character is very frequent, particularly if they are one of my own. Considering how much time I spend trying to get inside their minds I'd be a little disappointed if I didn't succeed in some way.

Nonetheless, there doesn't seem to be any real point in listing and labelling what I tended to refer to as 'flickers' - a flicker of thought, emotion, existence - given that Alex himself is an unreliable source of interest.

Blinders

2008-08-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

Me: -Unhooking bra to get ready for shower- So Alex, do-
Alex: NO DON'T TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW.

It seems communication enhances his perception of the 'outside world' as it were, and this is not always so desired. That perhaps explains why he tends to be even more reclusive during my menstruation cycle, and flat-out refused to respond when I had food-poisoning.

Famous

2008-08-02T23:52:00.000-07:00

Killy's taken to moonlighting as an American kestrel on occasion.

Why?

Because one of its many nicknames is the 'killy hawk'.

It seemed appropriate.

Tweaking

2008-07-13T00:00:00.001-07:00

Making adjustments to a character is suddenly more difficult when that character is there. And particularly when the character is not overly keen on sharing information himself. I think part of the problem is neither Alex nor I really see him as a different entity to the character itself; therefore any changes on one's behalf still has an effect on the other. This makes me a little wary about getting anything 'wrong', because there is now a 'wrong' when he's here to correct me. It's now a matter of negotiation and insistent questioning than "Hey, it might be better if this was like that."

On the other hand Alex does sometimes supply information on his own and save me the trouble. Sometimes.

Banalities

2008-06-28T04:34:00.001-07:00

The urge some daemons get to socialise - I don't understand it. I cannot think what there is to talk about but the humans. Perhaps that seems pathetic at a glance, but who do you think I am? Or is the real question who do you think I'm not? The answer is simpler than people try to make it. I am the inside that focusses on the inside. I am she. You cannot look to the left leg and expect it to function apart from the whole. You cannot look to the daemon and expect the human to make itself absent.

On the whole, it seems easier to converse with the one who has mouth and fingers. You will hear from me - when you speak to her.

-Killy

Peter Pan Syndrome

2008-06-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

Killy and I have taken to something that is half a game, and half quiet desperation - practising the state of being unsettled. It sounds fairly ridiculous even to me, and I'm the one for whom it's of most importance. After all, surely you are unsettled, or you aren't; what need could there be of practice?

Quite a lot, at least for someone with my particular mash of circumstances. In my opinion, settledom is not as easily definable a state as many claim. It's true that in some cases someone can tell which state 'feels right', but to say every person can immediately tell whether they're un or settled, no questions asked, is inaccurate. I know this for certain, because at fifteen years of age I was absolutely, one hundred percent certain I was settled. Three years later, and I kind of want to give that fifteen year old a sharp smack over the back of the head. There is just no way I was settled then, and my little delusion ended up proving somewhat harmful in the long run. At eighteen years old, over halfway to nineteen, I want to be unsettled.

The worst of it is I probably am. The older I get, the older I believe the settling margin to be. It's a continuing debate and I won't go into it here, but the fact of the matter is there is still a great deal left for me to experience, and my personality is likely still forming itself into the more or less stable entity it will be for my adulthood. But because I believed myself to be settled for so long, and because I was enough of a lucky bastard to actually find the form that seriously seems to be my final one, we're finding it nearly impossible to enjoy the true fluidity that unsettledom is supposed to bring. We've already found coyote, identified it as us, and held the form for nearly three years. It's so hard to change.

And yes, I mean that literally. Killy has no real incentive to change, though he does try to humour me on occasion. Not only that, but it often feels forced, awkward, incomplete. Some would say this indicates I'm settled - I say it's an indication of habit that we probably won't be able to break before true settledom finds us. Eighteen might be too young, but perhaps not by a whole lot. I already threw away the proper experience of being unsettled, and now when I'm trying to grasp at it, it's not coming.

So we practise. We make an agreement and a conscious attempt to play around with other forms. It's not exactly what you'd call successful. It still feels stilted, and the moment we let our attention drift away from the exercise - game? - he automatically reverts back to the form we're used to. We simply won't ever achieve the wistful goal of being purely unsettled, because we're not. We already know about coyote. We already have that home base.

We merely have to content ourselves with the occasional dabbling in Neverland.

Fronting

2008-06-22T02:17:00.000-07:00

Fronting is a fairly interesting phenomenan, but I can't say I have a lot of experience with it. Some people seem like they can flick mentalities with little more than a twitch of their pinkies, but I can wriggle my whole body around and still remain firmly settled within it. Admittedly I don't try particularly hard. I'm kind of attached to my body, what with it being mine. And how is one supposed to go about trying to boot the main mind out of the front seat anyway? It doesn't help that neither Alex nor Killy actually desire to front - Alex doesn't really want to walk around in a teenage female's body, and Killy is effectively me anyway, though there have been reported cases of daemons fronting.

In the end, the few times fronting occurs, it tends to be a) very brief, and b) initiated by accident. Apparently I need to take myself by surprise in order to surrender control. The most recent, and at the time of this post most significant, incident took place two mornings ago. I'd had a dream in which I was Alex - it was as nonsensical as any other, so just a standard dream rather than a memory. (Unless Alex has been chased by rampaging somethings through a shopping mall and neglected to mention it.) I can only assume this meant I was still kind of in his frame of mind when I woke up, probably helped by the fact I was naturally rather dozy. Normally when I wake I rub at my face with fingers or knuckles; that morning, I did a firm swipe from forehead to chin with my palm. Not a very dramatic moment of fronting, I know, but it startled me all the same, because it felt unnatural and masculine. The oddness was enough to snap me back into control.

So for my 'most significant' moment it was decidedly uneventful. Curious, but uneventful. At least I have very few fears about Alex burning the house down via my body if all he can manage is a sleepy face-wipe.

Standard Greetings

2008-06-21T03:39:00.000-07:00

Hello, and welcome to To Be Perceived. The name is an attempt at being clever, referring to one philosophy's stance on existence - to be is to be perceived.

Chances are you've found this place via the home site, but for safety's sake we'll list a few basic points of interest here. This blog will form a compilation of musings, anecdotes, and reflections regarding personal experiences in both daemonism and soulbonding. (For information on daemonism please see here, and for information on soulbonding please wander in that direction.)

I'm Winger, and I'll most likely be the narrator for a majority of the time, being the original and base person. Kilmaeyon, or Killy, is my generally coyote-formed daemon. And Alex is a post-apocalyptic character who became solid enough to hold his own. We're a mismatched trio in some ways, but we all get along well enough to not cause too much mental chaos.

And then sometimes stuff happens. Hope it's of interest.