The urge some daemons get to socialise - I don't understand it. I cannot think what there is to talk about but the humans. Perhaps that seems pathetic at a glance, but who do you think I am? Or is the real question who do you think I'm not? The answer is simpler than people try to make it. I am the inside that focusses on the inside. I am she. You cannot look to the left leg and expect it to function apart from the whole. You cannot look to the daemon and expect the human to make itself absent.
On the whole, it seems easier to converse with the one who has mouth and fingers. You will hear from me - when you speak to her.
-Killy
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Peter Pan Syndrome
Killy and I have taken to something that is half a game, and half quiet desperation - practising the state of being unsettled. It sounds fairly ridiculous even to me, and I'm the one for whom it's of most importance. After all, surely you are unsettled, or you aren't; what need could there be of practice?
Quite a lot, at least for someone with my particular mash of circumstances. In my opinion, settledom is not as easily definable a state as many claim. It's true that in some cases someone can tell which state 'feels right', but to say every person can immediately tell whether they're un or settled, no questions asked, is inaccurate. I know this for certain, because at fifteen years of age I was absolutely, one hundred percent certain I was settled. Three years later, and I kind of want to give that fifteen year old a sharp smack over the back of the head. There is just no way I was settled then, and my little delusion ended up proving somewhat harmful in the long run. At eighteen years old, over halfway to nineteen, I want to be unsettled.
The worst of it is I probably am. The older I get, the older I believe the settling margin to be. It's a continuing debate and I won't go into it here, but the fact of the matter is there is still a great deal left for me to experience, and my personality is likely still forming itself into the more or less stable entity it will be for my adulthood. But because I believed myself to be settled for so long, and because I was enough of a lucky bastard to actually find the form that seriously seems to be my final one, we're finding it nearly impossible to enjoy the true fluidity that unsettledom is supposed to bring. We've already found coyote, identified it as us, and held the form for nearly three years. It's so hard to change.
And yes, I mean that literally. Killy has no real incentive to change, though he does try to humour me on occasion. Not only that, but it often feels forced, awkward, incomplete. Some would say this indicates I'm settled - I say it's an indication of habit that we probably won't be able to break before true settledom finds us. Eighteen might be too young, but perhaps not by a whole lot. I already threw away the proper experience of being unsettled, and now when I'm trying to grasp at it, it's not coming.
So we practise. We make an agreement and a conscious attempt to play around with other forms. It's not exactly what you'd call successful. It still feels stilted, and the moment we let our attention drift away from the exercise - game? - he automatically reverts back to the form we're used to. We simply won't ever achieve the wistful goal of being purely unsettled, because we're not. We already know about coyote. We already have that home base.
We merely have to content ourselves with the occasional dabbling in Neverland.
Quite a lot, at least for someone with my particular mash of circumstances. In my opinion, settledom is not as easily definable a state as many claim. It's true that in some cases someone can tell which state 'feels right', but to say every person can immediately tell whether they're un or settled, no questions asked, is inaccurate. I know this for certain, because at fifteen years of age I was absolutely, one hundred percent certain I was settled. Three years later, and I kind of want to give that fifteen year old a sharp smack over the back of the head. There is just no way I was settled then, and my little delusion ended up proving somewhat harmful in the long run. At eighteen years old, over halfway to nineteen, I want to be unsettled.
The worst of it is I probably am. The older I get, the older I believe the settling margin to be. It's a continuing debate and I won't go into it here, but the fact of the matter is there is still a great deal left for me to experience, and my personality is likely still forming itself into the more or less stable entity it will be for my adulthood. But because I believed myself to be settled for so long, and because I was enough of a lucky bastard to actually find the form that seriously seems to be my final one, we're finding it nearly impossible to enjoy the true fluidity that unsettledom is supposed to bring. We've already found coyote, identified it as us, and held the form for nearly three years. It's so hard to change.
And yes, I mean that literally. Killy has no real incentive to change, though he does try to humour me on occasion. Not only that, but it often feels forced, awkward, incomplete. Some would say this indicates I'm settled - I say it's an indication of habit that we probably won't be able to break before true settledom finds us. Eighteen might be too young, but perhaps not by a whole lot. I already threw away the proper experience of being unsettled, and now when I'm trying to grasp at it, it's not coming.
So we practise. We make an agreement and a conscious attempt to play around with other forms. It's not exactly what you'd call successful. It still feels stilted, and the moment we let our attention drift away from the exercise - game? - he automatically reverts back to the form we're used to. We simply won't ever achieve the wistful goal of being purely unsettled, because we're not. We already know about coyote. We already have that home base.
We merely have to content ourselves with the occasional dabbling in Neverland.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Fronting
Fronting is a fairly interesting phenomenan, but I can't say I have a lot of experience with it. Some people seem like they can flick mentalities with little more than a twitch of their pinkies, but I can wriggle my whole body around and still remain firmly settled within it. Admittedly I don't try particularly hard. I'm kind of attached to my body, what with it being mine. And how is one supposed to go about trying to boot the main mind out of the front seat anyway? It doesn't help that neither Alex nor Killy actually desire to front - Alex doesn't really want to walk around in a teenage female's body, and Killy is effectively me anyway, though there have been reported cases of daemons fronting.
In the end, the few times fronting occurs, it tends to be a) very brief, and b) initiated by accident. Apparently I need to take myself by surprise in order to surrender control. The most recent, and at the time of this post most significant, incident took place two mornings ago. I'd had a dream in which I was Alex - it was as nonsensical as any other, so just a standard dream rather than a memory. (Unless Alex has been chased by rampaging somethings through a shopping mall and neglected to mention it.) I can only assume this meant I was still kind of in his frame of mind when I woke up, probably helped by the fact I was naturally rather dozy. Normally when I wake I rub at my face with fingers or knuckles; that morning, I did a firm swipe from forehead to chin with my palm. Not a very dramatic moment of fronting, I know, but it startled me all the same, because it felt unnatural and masculine. The oddness was enough to snap me back into control.
So for my 'most significant' moment it was decidedly uneventful. Curious, but uneventful. At least I have very few fears about Alex burning the house down via my body if all he can manage is a sleepy face-wipe.
In the end, the few times fronting occurs, it tends to be a) very brief, and b) initiated by accident. Apparently I need to take myself by surprise in order to surrender control. The most recent, and at the time of this post most significant, incident took place two mornings ago. I'd had a dream in which I was Alex - it was as nonsensical as any other, so just a standard dream rather than a memory. (Unless Alex has been chased by rampaging somethings through a shopping mall and neglected to mention it.) I can only assume this meant I was still kind of in his frame of mind when I woke up, probably helped by the fact I was naturally rather dozy. Normally when I wake I rub at my face with fingers or knuckles; that morning, I did a firm swipe from forehead to chin with my palm. Not a very dramatic moment of fronting, I know, but it startled me all the same, because it felt unnatural and masculine. The oddness was enough to snap me back into control.
So for my 'most significant' moment it was decidedly uneventful. Curious, but uneventful. At least I have very few fears about Alex burning the house down via my body if all he can manage is a sleepy face-wipe.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Standard Greetings
Hello, and welcome to To Be Perceived. The name is an attempt at being clever, referring to one philosophy's stance on existence - to be is to be perceived.
Chances are you've found this place via the home site, but for safety's sake we'll list a few basic points of interest here. This blog will form a compilation of musings, anecdotes, and reflections regarding personal experiences in both daemonism and soulbonding. (For information on daemonism please see here, and for information on soulbonding please wander in that direction.)
I'm Winger, and I'll most likely be the narrator for a majority of the time, being the original and base person. Kilmaeyon, or Killy, is my generally coyote-formed daemon. And Alex is a post-apocalyptic character who became solid enough to hold his own. We're a mismatched trio in some ways, but we all get along well enough to not cause too much mental chaos.
And then sometimes stuff happens. Hope it's of interest.
Chances are you've found this place via the home site, but for safety's sake we'll list a few basic points of interest here. This blog will form a compilation of musings, anecdotes, and reflections regarding personal experiences in both daemonism and soulbonding. (For information on daemonism please see here, and for information on soulbonding please wander in that direction.)
I'm Winger, and I'll most likely be the narrator for a majority of the time, being the original and base person. Kilmaeyon, or Killy, is my generally coyote-formed daemon. And Alex is a post-apocalyptic character who became solid enough to hold his own. We're a mismatched trio in some ways, but we all get along well enough to not cause too much mental chaos.
And then sometimes stuff happens. Hope it's of interest.
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