lordess of the obvious

These days I sometimes find myself going, "Whoa, people on TDF have daemons!"

At a glance this is a very strange thing to be surprised by. It's The Daemon Forum. Of course there are going to be daemons oozing out of metaphorical pores.

Nonetheless, gone are the days when I could - and, embarrassingly, did - write a list of most members, their daemon's names, and their associated forms. There are several reasons for this. One, there are now well over a hundred members and my memory has its limits. Two, I don't frequent the forum nearly as much as I used to, so I can barely remember the names of members in general, let alone all the other details. Three, daemonism has become such a second-nature thing for me that I don't spend time observing other people's workings with so curiously keen an eye. And four, human-daemon anecdotes aren't as big a part of the community as they used to be. It just ain't talked about as much.

It's a touch regretful, in a way; silly as it could sometimes be, the level engagement and sharing that existed in TDF's days of yore made daemonism a particularly vivid experience. I heard and knew about the daemons themselves - not just what form they were taking or what witty quip they had imparted that morning, but whether they were more inclined towards comfort or blunt snark, shied away from touch or embraced the defiance of physics, always sided with honest reason or always sided with the person.

That said, things change, and while it might be for the worse in some areas, it's certainly been for better in others. Startling myself with the realisation that oh yeah, people still have these depths of relationships is not so dastardly a thing when it means those relationships are indeed still there.

(I also occasionally go, "Oh man, my daemon's name is Killy." Kilmaeyon is genuinely kind of nice. Killy was whipped up on a hurried whim and sounds like something you'd name a fluffy puppy with a knife in its teeth. 'Course, can either of us be arsed changing it? Nnnnope.)

buzz of static

It's a little funny. I am constantly under the impression that Killy and I don't talk very often any more - and, in a way, I'm not wrong. Those deep, serious conversations we used to have crop up very rarely these days, and there's no real need to talk about forms, or visualisation, or clarity of speech, or any of those little inner relationship features we used to muse on as two.

At the same time, however, we almost speak more frequently because of it; it just happens so quietly and easily that it doesn't quite register in my uppermost consciousness. I don't bother to deliberately have A Conversation with my daemon - but if I pause and think about it, I can pick out dozens of short exchanges scattered throughout a single day.

"Absolutely perfect, if I do say so myself."
"And you do, don't you."
"Oh, I so do."

Nothing profound. Nothing that will assist me in a deep and meaningful way as I wander my worldly trails. (Something that was in fact referencing toast.) Just evidence that the flow of mental dialogue has become thoroughly, and possibly permanently, ingrained.

doppelgangers

Corporeality has never been of huge concern to either my daemon or myself - I could dig up a forum post made several years back in which Killy presented a rare speech that effectively said he was incorporeal because he was meant to be incorporeal, so lusting after some sort of physical presence would not just be lusting after corporeality, but a whole different system of operating. That's not to say I've never considered what it would be like, given that such musings can be a lot of fun. I've just never felt a great deal of grief over the way things are.

However, I recently realised that when wistfulness does rear its head, it's usually in consideration of how it would affect the way people perceive me. This seems a bit odd as, although I'm not the most secretive person I know, I do tend to be a bit touchy about who knows what, and perhaps I wouldn't be as prone to these grumblings if my settled form was that of a teeny tiny ladybug.

As it is, my settled form is a predator of reasonable size, and it's easy to imagine the ways that could come in handy. Many a night of wandering down dark paths after a late lecture at university has seemed like it would be less nerve-wracking if there was a solid presence at my side with a mouthful of teeth. Confronting a misbehaving child seems like it would be simpler if my daemon were able to calmly sit on theirs. Flattened ears and a low growl would be a better indicator of genuine anger than my own flustered prattlings.

Of course there are flaws to these notions as well, and they never will be anything more than idle thoughts. Some might even wish to ask that if my inner self is so inherently threatening, how come I can't express that myself? To that I ruefully point out that mouthful of teeth or not, coyotes are nervous little scrappers. The only reason my offsider would enhance my supposed intimidation factor at all is that it would be 'operated' by the part of me that is composed, confident, and not inclined to take crap - namely, Killy.

a rose by any other name would be a tulip

I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to realise this, but it occurred to me recently that my primary pseudonym - Winger - and my daemon's name - Kilmaeyon - came about in a similar way. Both were adapted from/inspired by a fictional source, both were originally intended to be applied to characters of my own creation, and both were later snatched up when I suddenly found myself in need of a name for the new little voice in my mind and a less stalkable identity.

If I ever doubted the opportunistic scavenger aspect...

it might have been parasitic

Me: Argh, the bread has mould! And I already ate a slice of it!
Killy: I'm sure the folk who would consider themselves fortunate to have an entire loaf of slightly mouldy bread at their disposal really feel for you right now.
Me: Did you really just whip out the 'there are starving kids in Africa' line?
Killy: *straightface*
Me: ...fine, alright, you have a point.
Killy: :)
Me: I'm still not eating the bread.
Killy: *STRAIGHTFACE*

So I guess, deep down, I am a very socially conscious person. It's just a shame all my shallow top-levels keep getting in the way.

The Confetti is Soggy Now

Oh, right - five years of daemonism as of last Wednesday.

I'm good at anniversaries.

Just Like Magic

Back when Jim first arrived, the abruptness of the whole affair left us both somewhat rattled. For some reason, I reacted to this by doing a lot of nervous chattering, which probably didn't help the situation all that much, but...well, neither of us were winning points for supreme eloquence. At one point, this exchange occurred:

Me: So I guess I'm sort of attracted to- uh, I mean, not physically attracted 'cause, no offense, but you're kinda old-
Jim: [indignant] I'm thirty-five!

At the time I took him at his word but never paid all that much attention to the information because I certainly didn't know what age the character was in canon. That was that until recently, when I remembered this talk and became curious enough to actually look the dates up. Imagine my surprise when I found out that the actor who plays Jim in the show he is sourced from - in effect, the man who is the exact physical double of him - would have indeed been thirty-five when we had that exchange.

It's almost as cool as the Charleston thing.

Beginner's Luck

It's a little strange. I don't think anyone thinks of me as anything but coyote (and if they do, they've been very unvocal about it despite my urgings). I don't really think of myself as anything but coyote. It's been nearly five years, a vast majority approves, and both Killy and I are very comfortable with the form.

That's not the strange bit. The strange bit is that I hold off taking on the title of settled because I don't think I'm old enough/have had a wide enough variety of life experiences, but should I one day decide that yes, alright, coyote is irrevocably It...I will technically be right back where I was when I so cockily declared myself a settled coyote at fifteen.

Is that a blow to the older-settling-age theory? Was it just luck? Am I an exception to the standard rule? Is there simply too much variation to determine anything more than a rough period in which settling is more likely to happen? I still hold that we lack sufficient stable data to draw solid conclusions, but I can't help but wonder these things from time to time.

A Special Kind of Fail

I have been intending to write an in-depth coyote analysis for so long now that it is genuinely ridiculous. I have books! Several of them! I have internet sites! I have almost five blasted years of experience!

I have nothing written.

It's rather amazing coyotes aren't extinct, if they're this adept at procrastinating. "I'm feeling a bit hungry, but...nah, I'll catch something later."

Dust in the Guest Rooms

It occurs to me I haven't actually said anything about the State Of Upstairs for a while, though in my defense there aren't many who are likely to care.

Killy is still a coyote. I still dance around the word 'settled' as though it is wearing a slinky black dress and has a rose clenched in its teeth. For a while, during an overseas trip, he adjusted his colouration to an interesting mix of his usual yellow and a lightish grey; it was somewhat reminiscent of this. It did not last longer than the few weeks, however, and he has since resumed his usual fur colour.

There are no tenants at all on hand, and it has been this way for a few months now. Alex never returned from wherever he went. Maybe he will one day, but maybe he won't, and as fond as I was of him it is hard to feel too sad about the matter when I know he was never entirely content being 'stuck'. Likewise, Jim has quietly vanished from the apartment. I don't think it too likely he'll return, though as I did have much say in his appearance in the first place, I couldn't say any predictions would be accurate. As I can keep a sort of an eye on him via his ongoing canon, it's not as complete a parting as it could be anyway.

So it's rather 'empty' upstairs. I have to admit, I'm not particularly unhappy about this. While it was never a major inconvenience having people around, it wasn't a huge, positive influence on my daily life either. Maybe if I didn't have a habit of attracting adult men with other concerns...

Formulating

I am quite fiercely, aggressively protective/possessive of certain people and things I own, yet I will freely poke at other's things and use them without waiting for permission. The inherent contradiction between being both territorial and a scavenger?

Shifting Gears

Never let it be said that finding your settled form will grant you a sudden, complete, and infallible understanding of yourself, because that is a load of crap.

I have, for a long time now, considered settling to be a process rather than an event. I know there are people who would disagree with me; people who feel that they are able to pinpoint the exact moment that settling occurred, and that there should be some sort of instantaneous sensation within you that proves, without doubt, that you are settled. Personally, I don't buy it. Such a notion ties a little too strongly back to the fictional foundation of daemonism, and while I'm perfectly happy to acknowledge that foundation, I think its separation from the world we actually exist in means some things just don't translate across - like objective settled forms that our daemons just know to one day take when we're ready.

So the introspective part of this process comes less from gaining an understanding of yourself via the settled form, and more from understanding yourself enough to find that settled form. In a ‘chicken and the egg’ comparison, I would say personality stability comes before settled form. As outlined in my old Concentric Rings Theory, it does not have to be a rock-solid stability, and there will be room for growth and change after settledom, just presumably still within the bounds of the form.

Of course, there is also the unfortunate fact that 100% certainty about any of these things is frankly impossible. We are discussing an abstract concept pieced together via discussion and experimentation, with vague ties to the psychological. The community itself is only roughly five or six years old, so there is no proven doctrine – merely a constant interchange of systems believed to work best until a better is found. There is also a notable lack of daemians who have participated in the philosophy for a great many years, leaving an enormous gap in the chart of empirical evidence when it comes to what may happen in later adulthood.

As for perfect self-knowledge? I have spent close to five years resting fairly solidly in a personality range that is apparently best described by coyote. I have read most website information available on the animal, and painstakingly collated a series of coyote-centric books (mostly with the help of much-beloved American contacts). I have lived with myself for a fairly impressive while now.

And I still have those teeth-grinding, hair-tearing, fist-pounding moments of who the hell am I and why don't I make sense.

So if you can relate to that, no worries. I think it's just a fact of fluid, progressive life.

As You Would Love Thyself

There are a considerable number of benefits to be had from knowing your daemon - indeed, why else would so many of us stay with it for so long? - and they vary from one person to another. Speaking personally, I find that exploring the settled form constantly allows for expanding self-awareness, forming problems as a dialogue is both calming and therefore provides greater clarity, and even the illusion of not being entirely alone can instill more confidence than would otherwise be had.

The greatest positive, however, is something that can still take me by surprise. In a way, it is a combination of the three things mentioned above; self-awareness, clarity, and confidence. What Killy says, and how Killy acts, has always been an utterly truthful reflection of how I feel - even if I don't realise it at the time.

Over four years experience and the use of hindsight shows a consistency in this that can feel genuinely startling at times. There is honestly no room for error. Things that I have done in the past and, years later, come to finally realise and admit were foolish are always, always paired with Killy's brand of anger and disappointment. Likewise, a contented coyote inevitably means approval for whatever action I have taken. I cannot force him one way or another, because if I am too wary of an answer that I don't want to hear, he does not speak at all, and that silence can say plenty about my conflicted stance on its own.

Of course, Killy is technically only correct in a very subjective sense. He is only ever a flawless representation of my feelings on any matter. This does not make it any less useful, however. What would otherwise be a muddled circling of uncertain and frustrated monologue can be cut down to a matter of seconds simply by turning to my daemon and requesting his opinion. Is it because by shifting the blame for the harshest observations onto a different subject I can face it down better, or is the daemon in fact a sharp-tongued mouthpiece for the subconscious? I don't really know enough psychology to say either way. I have nevertheless found it of incomparable help several times in the years I have known him.

Sidenote: I only have to travel halfway around the world for my daemon to be gentle with me.

Social Links

Although I have a number of personal traits that seem to be shared by other soulbonders, I've never really had a great many headfriends of the 'self-aware' sort, as I term it, and those that I have had I've never been enormously close with. Recently I found myself wondering if part that wasn't perhaps the fact I tend to 'bond' most closely with characters who are known for being intensely - even obsessively - loyal.

How does this influence the state of my mind? Well, I bond with them, not the people they are in turn dedicated to. If they end up in here, as has happened twice, their people do not come with them, and for most that's an intensely irritating position to be in! Alex grew increasingly frustrated at the lack of his sister, and though Jim's circumstances are somewhat different, he does still miss his family. A number of other characters I feel connections with would likewise be anywhere between annoyed and distressed should they find themselves separated, and...it's not a connection I therefore want to encourage, really, knowing that.

I know other systems have ways to circumvent this. The soulbonds find ways to travel 'back', or find ways to bring their loved ones with them. As of yet, none of us have managed any of this, and I can't do much more than shrug and say perhaps that is not the way my mind works. It would not bother me overmuch, and I would in fact not be miserable if I severed myself off from having self-aware bonds because of it. Unfortunately, my mind does not seem to work that way either.

(And no, I am not attempting to update a little more frequently because I recently found out there is at least one person reading this. You may stop laughing, single reader.)

Happy "Let's Be a Little Loony" Day

It's been four years since I decided this whole daemonism thing might be worth a spin. I feel highly accomplished.

I may or may not have forgotten this until the day was nearly over.

Packed Bags By the Doorway

In many ways, I feel I have outgrown the daemonism community. No, that's not quite right - those words sound far too condescending. It is not a matter of growth in terms of age or maturity, not really. It is...growth in terms of my personal standing with my daemon. I feel we've reached a point in our relationship where we might not have all the answers, but we are content with the ones we do have, and are confident in our ability to puzzle out others on our own. It is approaching the mark of our fourth year, and while I'm sure there are still things to learn, I no longer feel dependant upon assistance from the community in order to learn them. I am less interested in the discussions that take place there. Most of them I've already heard before.

However, I doubt I'll up and abandon the internet community just yet. I still have duties there, and I'm still fond of a number of people; I still feel the need to help keep TDF a safe place. And just because I feel content in where we stand doesn't mean I can't still be of use to the constant flow of newer daemians.

But maybe one day sooner than we'd ever thought, it will be time to pack our bags. I guess only time will tell.

Insubordination

Yesterday
"...rat seems to be the form of choice lately..."

Today
Killy: *Leaps onto shoulder*
Me: Huh, that tail you're sporting is pretty poss...possum-y...
Killy: :)
Me: You just like being difficult, don't you.
Killy: :D

I gave him a face-noogie with incorporeal knuckles for that.

Status

I'm a terribly infrequent blogger, aren't I? On the upside, after a month or two I tend to have something interesting to report on, and if I don't then there's almost certainly something else I can ramble about.

The group's status has shifted somewhat in the last while. Killy and I are still ever-present, as you'd expect; we don't talk as much as we used to when younger, and rat seems to be the form of choice lately, but we're otherwise the same. I still feel like coyote is what best represents me, and I'm still holding off on declaring myself settled. He still thinks I make stupid choices too frequently for my own good.

Alex is still absent. It's been...hmm. A few months at least, so his longest stint yet. I don't think I can call it a permanent absence, as it still feels like there's a place for him here, but he's certainly Gone for now. I hope whatever he's doing, be it an activity or a restful hibernation, is working out for him. Perhaps he's found a way back to his sister. I know that would make him happy.

However, as of yesterday the relative quiet (because he was so noisy) has been broken by the highly spontaneous arrival of someone I honestly would never have expected. Unlike with Alex, there was no gradual fading in, nor even a recent immersing in his source - Jim was just there. Understandably we were both rather startled, and several hours was dedicated towards, erm, a great deal of flailing and attempted sorting out of things. (One day, one day I will greet an headstranger and not sound like a psychotic babbling child.) Eventually I managed to call up one of Alex's old haunts - a sizeable apartment/house with more than enough room for a single person - and Jim's settled in there.

The means of his arrival are not the only unusual point; Jim is what the soulbonding community tends to term an 'outsource', in that he came from a 'fictional source' outside my own creation. Discussions regarding reality can get very complicated when it comes to soulbonding, so I hope you'll excuse me if I skip lightly over that. Like Alex, he has strong ties to his world and to certain people within it, but unlike Alex his position there is one where he's unable to do anything in any case. I believe it is this more than anything that is making him consider staying here, at least until things change enough for it to be worth going back. The decisions haven't been finalised, however, so nothing is very certain right now.

So things have been just a touch chaotic! Hopefully we'll manage to find some sort of a rhythm sooner rather than later. Should Alex return while Jim is there, things will be interesting; I've never before had two self-aware headmates at any one time within the same space. They're both adults, though, so I have faith they'd work something out.

Shredded Files

I've long resigned myself to the fact that TDF-2 has been all but swallowed by the internet and its content largely lost forever, but I cannot help but be pained by it sometimes. It held, after all, roughly my first year of daemonism? Perhaps longer. It held all the little moments, all my mistakes and errors and growth. I joined the forum only a month or so after first discovering the concept, so while at least the community was spared my initial embarrassing flick between 'settled' forms, it snapshotted most other events.

It would be nice to have a solid record of how the times have changed. There is TDF-1, yes, and TDF-3/4 span across a substantial distance, but it's not quite the same as being able to map my own changes. If nothing else, reminders of my own follies might reinforce the need to be patient with those new to daemonism nowadays!

Mammalian Scalian

Hmm. Haven't posted to here for a while. Honestly, there's been very little worth noting; while a few things have happened here and there, occurances on the inside can be so fluid I'm rather wary of making any definitive statements lest the situation change two days later. I can say for certain that Alex has been quiet for a long time now. A permanent change? I'm not sure.

Killy's also mostly abandoned kingfisher, but hasn't returned to favouring coyote. Instead he has picked up Cameroon scaly-tail, a fuzzy-tailed rodent with scales at the base of its tail. I will say that these smaller forms are a relief when it comes to crowds, given that I'm no longer imagining a largish canine squeezing itself through impossible gaps.