As You Would Love Thyself

There are a considerable number of benefits to be had from knowing your daemon - indeed, why else would so many of us stay with it for so long? - and they vary from one person to another. Speaking personally, I find that exploring the settled form constantly allows for expanding self-awareness, forming problems as a dialogue is both calming and therefore provides greater clarity, and even the illusion of not being entirely alone can instill more confidence than would otherwise be had.

The greatest positive, however, is something that can still take me by surprise. In a way, it is a combination of the three things mentioned above; self-awareness, clarity, and confidence. What Killy says, and how Killy acts, has always been an utterly truthful reflection of how I feel - even if I don't realise it at the time.

Over four years experience and the use of hindsight shows a consistency in this that can feel genuinely startling at times. There is honestly no room for error. Things that I have done in the past and, years later, come to finally realise and admit were foolish are always, always paired with Killy's brand of anger and disappointment. Likewise, a contented coyote inevitably means approval for whatever action I have taken. I cannot force him one way or another, because if I am too wary of an answer that I don't want to hear, he does not speak at all, and that silence can say plenty about my conflicted stance on its own.

Of course, Killy is technically only correct in a very subjective sense. He is only ever a flawless representation of my feelings on any matter. This does not make it any less useful, however. What would otherwise be a muddled circling of uncertain and frustrated monologue can be cut down to a matter of seconds simply by turning to my daemon and requesting his opinion. Is it because by shifting the blame for the harshest observations onto a different subject I can face it down better, or is the daemon in fact a sharp-tongued mouthpiece for the subconscious? I don't really know enough psychology to say either way. I have nevertheless found it of incomparable help several times in the years I have known him.

Sidenote: I only have to travel halfway around the world for my daemon to be gentle with me.

Social Links

Although I have a number of personal traits that seem to be shared by other soulbonders, I've never really had a great many headfriends of the 'self-aware' sort, as I term it, and those that I have had I've never been enormously close with. Recently I found myself wondering if part that wasn't perhaps the fact I tend to 'bond' most closely with characters who are known for being intensely - even obsessively - loyal.

How does this influence the state of my mind? Well, I bond with them, not the people they are in turn dedicated to. If they end up in here, as has happened twice, their people do not come with them, and for most that's an intensely irritating position to be in! Alex grew increasingly frustrated at the lack of his sister, and though Jim's circumstances are somewhat different, he does still miss his family. A number of other characters I feel connections with would likewise be anywhere between annoyed and distressed should they find themselves separated, and...it's not a connection I therefore want to encourage, really, knowing that.

I know other systems have ways to circumvent this. The soulbonds find ways to travel 'back', or find ways to bring their loved ones with them. As of yet, none of us have managed any of this, and I can't do much more than shrug and say perhaps that is not the way my mind works. It would not bother me overmuch, and I would in fact not be miserable if I severed myself off from having self-aware bonds because of it. Unfortunately, my mind does not seem to work that way either.

(And no, I am not attempting to update a little more frequently because I recently found out there is at least one person reading this. You may stop laughing, single reader.)

Happy "Let's Be a Little Loony" Day

It's been four years since I decided this whole daemonism thing might be worth a spin. I feel highly accomplished.

I may or may not have forgotten this until the day was nearly over.

Packed Bags By the Doorway

In many ways, I feel I have outgrown the daemonism community. No, that's not quite right - those words sound far too condescending. It is not a matter of growth in terms of age or maturity, not really. It is...growth in terms of my personal standing with my daemon. I feel we've reached a point in our relationship where we might not have all the answers, but we are content with the ones we do have, and are confident in our ability to puzzle out others on our own. It is approaching the mark of our fourth year, and while I'm sure there are still things to learn, I no longer feel dependant upon assistance from the community in order to learn them. I am less interested in the discussions that take place there. Most of them I've already heard before.

However, I doubt I'll up and abandon the internet community just yet. I still have duties there, and I'm still fond of a number of people; I still feel the need to help keep TDF a safe place. And just because I feel content in where we stand doesn't mean I can't still be of use to the constant flow of newer daemians.

But maybe one day sooner than we'd ever thought, it will be time to pack our bags. I guess only time will tell.

Insubordination

Yesterday
"...rat seems to be the form of choice lately..."

Today
Killy: *Leaps onto shoulder*
Me: Huh, that tail you're sporting is pretty poss...possum-y...
Killy: :)
Me: You just like being difficult, don't you.
Killy: :D

I gave him a face-noogie with incorporeal knuckles for that.

Status

I'm a terribly infrequent blogger, aren't I? On the upside, after a month or two I tend to have something interesting to report on, and if I don't then there's almost certainly something else I can ramble about.

The group's status has shifted somewhat in the last while. Killy and I are still ever-present, as you'd expect; we don't talk as much as we used to when younger, and rat seems to be the form of choice lately, but we're otherwise the same. I still feel like coyote is what best represents me, and I'm still holding off on declaring myself settled. He still thinks I make stupid choices too frequently for my own good.

Alex is still absent. It's been...hmm. A few months at least, so his longest stint yet. I don't think I can call it a permanent absence, as it still feels like there's a place for him here, but he's certainly Gone for now. I hope whatever he's doing, be it an activity or a restful hibernation, is working out for him. Perhaps he's found a way back to his sister. I know that would make him happy.

However, as of yesterday the relative quiet (because he was so noisy) has been broken by the highly spontaneous arrival of someone I honestly would never have expected. Unlike with Alex, there was no gradual fading in, nor even a recent immersing in his source - Jim was just there. Understandably we were both rather startled, and several hours was dedicated towards, erm, a great deal of flailing and attempted sorting out of things. (One day, one day I will greet an headstranger and not sound like a psychotic babbling child.) Eventually I managed to call up one of Alex's old haunts - a sizeable apartment/house with more than enough room for a single person - and Jim's settled in there.

The means of his arrival are not the only unusual point; Jim is what the soulbonding community tends to term an 'outsource', in that he came from a 'fictional source' outside my own creation. Discussions regarding reality can get very complicated when it comes to soulbonding, so I hope you'll excuse me if I skip lightly over that. Like Alex, he has strong ties to his world and to certain people within it, but unlike Alex his position there is one where he's unable to do anything in any case. I believe it is this more than anything that is making him consider staying here, at least until things change enough for it to be worth going back. The decisions haven't been finalised, however, so nothing is very certain right now.

So things have been just a touch chaotic! Hopefully we'll manage to find some sort of a rhythm sooner rather than later. Should Alex return while Jim is there, things will be interesting; I've never before had two self-aware headmates at any one time within the same space. They're both adults, though, so I have faith they'd work something out.

Shredded Files

I've long resigned myself to the fact that TDF-2 has been all but swallowed by the internet and its content largely lost forever, but I cannot help but be pained by it sometimes. It held, after all, roughly my first year of daemonism? Perhaps longer. It held all the little moments, all my mistakes and errors and growth. I joined the forum only a month or so after first discovering the concept, so while at least the community was spared my initial embarrassing flick between 'settled' forms, it snapshotted most other events.

It would be nice to have a solid record of how the times have changed. There is TDF-1, yes, and TDF-3/4 span across a substantial distance, but it's not quite the same as being able to map my own changes. If nothing else, reminders of my own follies might reinforce the need to be patient with those new to daemonism nowadays!