Formulating

I am quite fiercely, aggressively protective/possessive of certain people and things I own, yet I will freely poke at other's things and use them without waiting for permission. The inherent contradiction between being both territorial and a scavenger?

Shifting Gears

Never let it be said that finding your settled form will grant you a sudden, complete, and infallible understanding of yourself, because that is a load of crap.

I have, for a long time now, considered settling to be a process rather than an event. I know there are people who would disagree with me; people who feel that they are able to pinpoint the exact moment that settling occurred, and that there should be some sort of instantaneous sensation within you that proves, without doubt, that you are settled. Personally, I don't buy it. Such a notion ties a little too strongly back to the fictional foundation of daemonism, and while I'm perfectly happy to acknowledge that foundation, I think its separation from the world we actually exist in means some things just don't translate across - like objective settled forms that our daemons just know to one day take when we're ready.

So the introspective part of this process comes less from gaining an understanding of yourself via the settled form, and more from understanding yourself enough to find that settled form. In a ‘chicken and the egg’ comparison, I would say personality stability comes before settled form. As outlined in my old Concentric Rings Theory, it does not have to be a rock-solid stability, and there will be room for growth and change after settledom, just presumably still within the bounds of the form.

Of course, there is also the unfortunate fact that 100% certainty about any of these things is frankly impossible. We are discussing an abstract concept pieced together via discussion and experimentation, with vague ties to the psychological. The community itself is only roughly five or six years old, so there is no proven doctrine – merely a constant interchange of systems believed to work best until a better is found. There is also a notable lack of daemians who have participated in the philosophy for a great many years, leaving an enormous gap in the chart of empirical evidence when it comes to what may happen in later adulthood.

As for perfect self-knowledge? I have spent close to five years resting fairly solidly in a personality range that is apparently best described by coyote. I have read most website information available on the animal, and painstakingly collated a series of coyote-centric books (mostly with the help of much-beloved American contacts). I have lived with myself for a fairly impressive while now.

And I still have those teeth-grinding, hair-tearing, fist-pounding moments of who the hell am I and why don't I make sense.

So if you can relate to that, no worries. I think it's just a fact of fluid, progressive life.

As You Would Love Thyself

There are a considerable number of benefits to be had from knowing your daemon - indeed, why else would so many of us stay with it for so long? - and they vary from one person to another. Speaking personally, I find that exploring the settled form constantly allows for expanding self-awareness, forming problems as a dialogue is both calming and therefore provides greater clarity, and even the illusion of not being entirely alone can instill more confidence than would otherwise be had.

The greatest positive, however, is something that can still take me by surprise. In a way, it is a combination of the three things mentioned above; self-awareness, clarity, and confidence. What Killy says, and how Killy acts, has always been an utterly truthful reflection of how I feel - even if I don't realise it at the time.

Over four years experience and the use of hindsight shows a consistency in this that can feel genuinely startling at times. There is honestly no room for error. Things that I have done in the past and, years later, come to finally realise and admit were foolish are always, always paired with Killy's brand of anger and disappointment. Likewise, a contented coyote inevitably means approval for whatever action I have taken. I cannot force him one way or another, because if I am too wary of an answer that I don't want to hear, he does not speak at all, and that silence can say plenty about my conflicted stance on its own.

Of course, Killy is technically only correct in a very subjective sense. He is only ever a flawless representation of my feelings on any matter. This does not make it any less useful, however. What would otherwise be a muddled circling of uncertain and frustrated monologue can be cut down to a matter of seconds simply by turning to my daemon and requesting his opinion. Is it because by shifting the blame for the harshest observations onto a different subject I can face it down better, or is the daemon in fact a sharp-tongued mouthpiece for the subconscious? I don't really know enough psychology to say either way. I have nevertheless found it of incomparable help several times in the years I have known him.

Sidenote: I only have to travel halfway around the world for my daemon to be gentle with me.

Social Links

Although I have a number of personal traits that seem to be shared by other soulbonders, I've never really had a great many headfriends of the 'self-aware' sort, as I term it, and those that I have had I've never been enormously close with. Recently I found myself wondering if part that wasn't perhaps the fact I tend to 'bond' most closely with characters who are known for being intensely - even obsessively - loyal.

How does this influence the state of my mind? Well, I bond with them, not the people they are in turn dedicated to. If they end up in here, as has happened twice, their people do not come with them, and for most that's an intensely irritating position to be in! Alex grew increasingly frustrated at the lack of his sister, and though Jim's circumstances are somewhat different, he does still miss his family. A number of other characters I feel connections with would likewise be anywhere between annoyed and distressed should they find themselves separated, and...it's not a connection I therefore want to encourage, really, knowing that.

I know other systems have ways to circumvent this. The soulbonds find ways to travel 'back', or find ways to bring their loved ones with them. As of yet, none of us have managed any of this, and I can't do much more than shrug and say perhaps that is not the way my mind works. It would not bother me overmuch, and I would in fact not be miserable if I severed myself off from having self-aware bonds because of it. Unfortunately, my mind does not seem to work that way either.

(And no, I am not attempting to update a little more frequently because I recently found out there is at least one person reading this. You may stop laughing, single reader.)

Happy "Let's Be a Little Loony" Day

It's been four years since I decided this whole daemonism thing might be worth a spin. I feel highly accomplished.

I may or may not have forgotten this until the day was nearly over.

Packed Bags By the Doorway

In many ways, I feel I have outgrown the daemonism community. No, that's not quite right - those words sound far too condescending. It is not a matter of growth in terms of age or maturity, not really. It is...growth in terms of my personal standing with my daemon. I feel we've reached a point in our relationship where we might not have all the answers, but we are content with the ones we do have, and are confident in our ability to puzzle out others on our own. It is approaching the mark of our fourth year, and while I'm sure there are still things to learn, I no longer feel dependant upon assistance from the community in order to learn them. I am less interested in the discussions that take place there. Most of them I've already heard before.

However, I doubt I'll up and abandon the internet community just yet. I still have duties there, and I'm still fond of a number of people; I still feel the need to help keep TDF a safe place. And just because I feel content in where we stand doesn't mean I can't still be of use to the constant flow of newer daemians.

But maybe one day sooner than we'd ever thought, it will be time to pack our bags. I guess only time will tell.

Insubordination

Yesterday
"...rat seems to be the form of choice lately..."

Today
Killy: *Leaps onto shoulder*
Me: Huh, that tail you're sporting is pretty poss...possum-y...
Killy: :)
Me: You just like being difficult, don't you.
Killy: :D

I gave him a face-noogie with incorporeal knuckles for that.